Thursday, January 19, 2012

Nightmares and Such


If a country refuses to respect the humanity of its’ population, it has no future in the world of development.
____________________________________________________________________________

I struggle with photography. There is so much I want to document. So much beauty, so much suffering, so much magic, so much that is ordinary.  I want to document all these things with my camera so stories can be shared and the gaps between lives lived can be lessened, but I struggle. The camera is such an invasive piece of equipment. It separates the photographer from the experiences around him/her.  It turns people, plants, and animals into objects of entertainment. Sometimes untrue stories are told through the lens of a camera. Someone is made to believe an elderly woman with no teeth is poor and destitute when in reality she is proud and healthy matriarch. But, without a camera parts of the world would not know the others.  Pictures inspire action against that which is wrong. They unite us and bring us together. They show that there is magic in the simplest of things and plainness in the most spectacular glitz. They slow us down and give us time to appreciate that which we have and that which we do not. They introduce us to those we share this earth with. But I often worry that the camera is just another means of brushing over the depth of each object we photograph.
_____________________________________________________________________________________
I’ve been thinking a lot about people who are corrupt, bitter, degrading towards others, angry and abusive of their powers.  How do people become like this? What were they like as children?  Is it an event that makes someone like this, or is it a part of who they are naturally? Why do some people in positions of power do good while others do bad? Why do some people in positions of power possess an air of entitlement while others remain humble? What do people think and feel about themselves when they abuse their power and the people around them? Why live a life that makes those around you miserable as well as yourself? How long does it take for a person to transform into this sort of person? Am I capable of growing into one of these people?  I hope life and the people around me keep me in check so I don’t become one of those people.

_______________________________________________________________________________
So I’m back. I’ve got many months behind me and have just under that many ahead of me.  What a strange place to be. Not necessarily a physical place, but an emotional, mental and spiritual place. 
As I’ve told a few people it’s always really hard for me to say goodbye to people in the states who I love and don’t want to be away from.  It’s really hard. Don’t get me wrong. I couldn’t be more grateful for the experiences and opportunities life has graced me with, but it does take a toll on me.  I often wonder why I have such a restless soul.  I wonder what it is I’m constantly in search of. I wonder why I have the pressing desire to pick up and move to places where I know no one in order to struggle and work to get to know people who I can work to help in one way or another when there are so many people who are already in my life in the U.S.  I wish I could be with and help through this chaotic journey we call life. I wonder if this will be my whole life, or if my heart will change directions.  And as I wonder I move from one plane to the next, one bus to the next, and return to Anda. I return to a small island most of the world has never heard of to be welcomed “home” by my neighbors, students and co-workers. 

_____________________________________________________________________________________
The UN warns that “65 percent of humankind will be living in water-stressed and water-scarce countries by 2025”—International Herald
“215 million women around the world do not have access to contraception.”—International Herald
_____________________________________________________________________________________
I heard a group of 14 year old boys talking about hand jobs today.  That’s an awkward conversation to overhear. Especially when the realized I was within earshot and they started laughing in the way kids do when they know that a teacher overheard them say something inappropriate. I probably should have said something to them, but instead I thought it was funny and just laughed a little bit.  I think the one I overheard was nervous or embarrassed as I was laughing because he twisted his pen until it split open. Ink sprayed all over his hands and face.  I thought the whole scenario was comedic.
____________________________________________________________________________
I have been having a lot of nightmares lately. They started just before I went back to the states, and picked up speed in Erie. I have brought them back with me to the Philippines, and every night I try to dialogue with them as silently as possible so I can learn what they are trying to show me.
I’ve always had vivid dreams. My dreams direct me. They tell me where I will be going next and let me know when I’m in the right place. They give me guidance and strength, inspiration and vision.  I have also always had nightmares. When I was little they used to scare me. I used to wake up before they had finished thinking once I opened my eyes they would disappear, but that was never the case. They would come back again and again until, like all things, it was their time to go.
It didn’t take long for me to learn that my nightmares were as valuable as my good dreams. My nightmares also gave me guidance and strength, inspiration and vision--if I gave them time to unravel themselves and respected them by contemplating the value of their images.  I would see great suffering and abuse. People tormented not in their sleep, but when their eyes were open. People deliberately, sometimes strategically and sometimes chaotically, instilling pain in others. Some of these people took delight in their actions while others felt remorse but didn’t have the ability to stop.  These dreams always left me exhausted and sad when I woke up, but they gave me a great gift. They minimized my fear, increased my empathy towards those suffering as well as those who were instilling the pain, and gave me places to go. They gave me something to work towards and made my good dreams great blessings. 
Sometimes these nightmares were about friends and family members. These dreams were symbolic and were more difficult to decipher, but after too much practice interpreting their meanings they became easy to understand.  In the past these were the dreams I could more easily respond to because I was closer to these people than to the people in my other nightmares. But, now, it’s different, and these are the dreams that are the hardest to handle due to the width of the oceans.
Lately, the nightmares have come back. And while they do not scare me, they worry me. I wish there was something I could do. I need to remember that their attempts to haunt me bring me insights and wisdom and new visions for the future, and for this I am grateful.