Rape Culture

After a day and a half of being able to think about little more than the Steubenville rape case, I thought it was time to write. Nothing I say here will be new or add any sort of insight/perspective to what happened in Ohio, but I need to write for my sake. I need to write because I'm angry, and I'm sad, and I'm disappointed and I'm disgusted.

Less than six months ago the world rallied and mourned together over the death of a 23 year old Indian woman who was brutally gang raped and killed. Americans were outraged. How could such a terrible thing happen "over there?"  For many people "Congo" and "rape" have become synonymous. How come in "certain parts of the world" women still need to live in fear of rape and sexual violence?  Then, when a woman is raped in the U.S. we (not everyone, but an alarming amount of the country, including CNN) sympathize with the rapists.

I didn't know this happened or that this case was going on until yesterday afternoon. Within minutes of reading my first facebook post about it, it started to be all I saw. I began to read about it on numerous blogs and news sites. The more I read and the more I saw, the more my mind was blown and the more I began to feel physically sick.

Rape Culture in the United States has been a particularly hot topic since the attention placed on Delhi. I don't think it's shocking that I'm appalled by  the gender stereotypes the U.S. struggles with, or the sexism engrained in our social, political and economic structures  too few Americans recognize. But, a couple months ago I wasn't prepared to say there is a strong rape culture in the U.S.  Maybe I didn't want to admit this. Maybe I was in denial and didn't want to think that my brothers, my friends, and my friend's son were developing their identities, or being raised, in such a society. Maybe I didn't want  to believe that every woman, myself included, had been raised in a society that places the responsibility of rape on the victim. Maybe I wanted to believe we, as a society, have moved beyond this point.  

However, after months of further contemplation, and, finally, the response to the rape in Steubenville, I can't deny that there is a strong rape culture not only in other parts of the world, but in the United States as well. In the United States it's so engrained in our system that sometimes it's hard to recognize, or, in my case, hard to admit, but it's there and it affects all of us. While the statistic that 1 in 3 women will experience some form of sexual assault in their lifetime is commonly known, I don't think many people understand what this looks like for those women who make up that 1 in 3. 

The boys who raped the girl in Ohio have been raised in a society that they felt would find amusement in their 12 minute clip mocking this "dead," "dry," girl (video clip of boys joking about the girl). While it is clear that most people are outraged by what they did, it is also clear that there isn't enough pressure being put on men to prevent rape.  It is clear that there is a problem with our country when a female news reporter can sympathize so openly with two rapists (CNN Clip).  

When I was in the Philippines some of my students had to suffer through rape and other forms of sexual harassment. This was the first time that I was in a position to teach youth about rape and sexual harassment. It was the first time I heard adults try to teach youth about these two significant things (I don't remember ever learning about rape in middle school or high school). I couldn't believe the things being said during "the rape talk" at my school in the Philippines. Some of the highlights are 1) if a girl doesn't want to get raped she should dress more conservatively, 2) if a girl is raped then it is part of God's plan for her life and she should learn from it,  3) if a girl is raped she should not talk about it because it will bring her family many problems and it will alienate her from her community, often leading to more harassment and ridicule, and 4) men have no control over themselves if they see the slightest bit of skin on a woman. 

When I first heard these things I was so angry that I interjected even though it wasn't my time to speak. I told the students I didn't agree with any of these things and that I would be more than willing to meet with them for one on one meetings about any sort of abuse or harassment they have experienced. That's all I had time to say before I was ushered away from the podium. I realize that wasn't the most culturally sensitive way to handle the situation, but I couldn't sit still and let my kids hear these things. I couldn't let girls who have gone through one of the most traumatic things a person can experience in his/her life be criminalized for the violations against them. 

In each of my classes for the rest of the week we talked about rape, sexual harassment and sexism. We talked about the negative effects of putting the blame on the victim for both men and women. Students asked questions and I answered as best as I could. During my private meetings with students I learned just how many of them suffered from some degree of abuse, which for most of the girls took on the form of sexual abuse. I couldn't believe how rampant this was, and even more astounding was that my boys were going to grow up to be the fathers, uncles and neighbors that could one day be capable of inflicting so much pain on a young girl or woman. 

With this recognition some of our sessions were divided by sex so that the boys could have a different session than the girls. I was amazed to hear some of the thoughts the boys had about rape and sexual harassment. I was equally amazed by their desire to better understand the dangers of these things. They had thought sexual violence was "bad" because it were "dirty," but initially not many seemed to think there were problems with entitlement, objectification, morality or abuse. They said men would never boast about doing any of these things, but that it was common knowledge that many men did them.  They also said the men weren't responsible for their actions because it happened after drinking alcohol or when the girl was bad or when the girl was being too seductive (i.e. wearing too little clothing).  How do you combat such a mentality? How do you change something that has been engrained in a person's mind by their female teachers and their mothers? How do you demonstrate that the hardcore, very violent, porn (one of the regulars that played on the bus between Anda and Alaminos was of a girl being unwillingly gang raped and then buried in the dirt to be trampled on by horses) they see on a bus isn't funny or acceptable treatment for another human being?

All of this made me think a lot about my own life--my own experiences, my own education, my own culture. I went to a university that handed out rape whistles to women and invited women to attend a self defense class to protect us from rape.  Great, protections. But, what about the men?  Were they being taught not to hurt women, not to objectify women?  When a boyfriend got too angry, or when "good Christian men" took advantage of a lady who got "too drunk" what resources were available for the women to help them recover?  Where could someone get help when her boyfriend was too forceful and wouldn't listen to her when she said no?  When a lady did go for help, what happened to the guy who violated her in some way?  

While I've heard a lot of stories from a lot of different women, I can't say for sure what APU had in place for these situations.  Therefore, I can't legitimately criticize them. However, I can criticize the fact that women didn't feel they would have a voice, or be validated  and supported, if they did seek help from the school. This is a common problem across the U.S. Women, just like my students in the Philippines, fear if they bring awareness to he violence they experience then they will be stigmatized or ridiculed. They fear, like in the Ohio case, people will react against them.  They fear what people will think of them.  They fear fear, and sometimes think it is better to blame themselves for what has happened to them than to bare the idea that some people do unspeakable things to other people without reason, and sometimes we don't have control over the actions of other people.

I read today that the victim in the Steubenville rape case has not forgiven the boys who raped her. This was a bit stunning and the first thing I've read directly about her (a lot of feminist bloggers and writers outraged by CNN have written about the overall situation and how there should be more emphasis put on her, but I've heard very little specifically about how she is right now).  I know that forgiveness is a powerful thing and has the ability to help a person heal through the traumas they have endured. I know that it is a freeing experience and one that allows you to experience a lot of joy, but is anyone surprised she hasn't forgiven these boys at this point in time?  

They violated her personhood. They, and everyone who continues to criticize her, have jeopardized her trust in people, particularly in men. While being the victim of rape is not her entire identity, it will forever be with her and something she may see when she looks in the mirror--an identity she didn't choose. It will be a reminder of weakness and vulnerability. It is something many of us will forget once this news story blows over, but something she will relive countless times. 

As a culture, we need to change this. We need to create a world that is safe for women. A world that supports, loves, and strengthens a 16 year old girl who was brutally treated. A world that teaches responsibility, compassion and empathy.  A world that, instead of creating fear out of our most vulnerable moments, is safe and stable and allows us to create our own identities free of abuse.