Just be aware before reading that this was going to be four different posts but i couldn't stop ranting, so it will instead be one very long post
So there are a lot of things on my mind at the moment. This will be a three part blog/blogs.
The first part of it has to do with my bias towards women when it comes to inter-racial/ethnic relationships in the Philippines. Let me explain…
When I was in Indonesia I saw many older white guys, usually the grey and balding beer belly type who like to wear speedos and act superior to everyone they pass on the street, with young Indonesian girls. The way these men would walk with their arms weighing heavily on the petite bodies of their young women lovers, wives, and international tourist flings was nauseating. They looked as if they had purchased these girls (some of whom surely did), and they pranced around with them as if it was a competition between all the old white men who could get the prettiest young Indonesia woman.
The faces of most of these girls were hardened. Their smiles looked forced and they looked as if they had just won a lottery that not only blessed them with an improved life but also cursed them with a future without love for their partner. But, it was a transaction that brought on a better life for themselves and their children.
Of course these are my projections and interpretations of these couples I would see all too often, but I feel you can sense when a couple has passion and a love that emits respect and sincerity. I also didn’t interview any of these couples, although I did talk to a few of the men (white men traveling through Asia seem to feel that they are worldly and experiences and adventurous and insightful on subjects concerning the “exotic” so they love to talk and talk and talk and flirt and brag and flirt some more), so it would be wrong for me to say all relationships between older white men and young Asian women are disturbing as I know that love grows and I know that love doesn’t discriminate.
I also want to preface this by saying I am one of the greatest supporters of cross-cultural relationships, so it’s not that I think old white guys should only be with white women, or Asian women should only be with Asian men, it’s just there seems to be this trend where older white guys who haven’t yet found someone to marry pack up and head to Asia to find a wife. As if they know there will be an abundance of women eager to escape the hardships they face with poverty, disease, and a lack of opportunity. They take advantage of this (this is my interpretation). The women see the white men as opportunity to move to higher class and they see the giving of themselves as a reasonable exchange.
It just makes me sad because i feel the men would have to know what they are doing, that they haven’t been able to find someone to marry thus far in their lives so they know that it is their money and the power of their whiteness that is buying their love. I also wonder what is going on in the girls’ hearts and minds. Do they feel as miserable as they look? Brought up in conservative cultures they are now prancing around in bikinis, hunched over the stomachs of these men to kiss lips they look semi-repulsed by. Do they feel they made the right decision? What do both the men and the women think when they go to bed at night?
Well, the Philippines is no different. The other night one of the other trainees (Laurel) and I went with her host family to these tourist beaches and every person we saw (other than the staff) were somehow connected to these relationships. Whether they were the Filipino women, the older white guys, or the children of such couples, everyone was a part of these unions.
There was one couple in particular that made me really sad. The girl looked like she was younger than me and the man looked to be in his late 50’s or early 60’s. They were in the ocean and she was wearing a nearly non-existent bathing suit and he wasn’t dressed in much more. I can’t explain what it was about this couple but it was too much for me. He just sort of threw her around in the water and she would giggle, but anytime he would turn away she looked so weary, as if she is constantly acting and at the mercy of being what he expects her to be.
As I was observing all these couples I couldn’t help but get frustrated with myself for feeling such disgust for these men. It hit me that if I were to see a Filipino man and a white woman I probably wouldn’t judge as much as I was judging the white men.
But, actually, I don’t know if that’s true. I was in Indonesia riding around on this motorcycle when the guy I was riding with and I were stopped by another white woman and Indonesian man who were looking for directions. We helped them out, or rather Anup, helped them out and I observed. This woman said she had come to Indonesia because she was just following the routine of life in America but not living and she wasn’t married so she thought she would head to Indonsia to run her business from there. Within a week or two of being there she met this man, and a couple weeks later they were living together and engaged. There was something about the way this woman carried herself that made me believe she chose to be with this man because he showed interest in her. Based on his behavior it appeared he may have only showed interest in her because she was white, which often means wealthy as well as beautiful. She would be a trophy white woman, and she was desperate for romance so again a transaction was made. Both individuals compromising for a relationship. She gave up her potential for a love more real because she wanted a relationship now, and he wanted the prestige of having a white wife so he let go of his chance to find a different woman who he might love more or who might love him more.
So, I guess I don’t know what it is and how I judge, but I judge and it is a problem. I need to stop judging when I don’t even know people’s stories or their hearts. It just makes me sad.
And (THIS IS PART TWO so if you need a breather go for it cause who knows how this rant will go), as already mentioned above whiteness and beauty and women as trophy’s is a big part of Filipino culture even without the old white men on the hunt.
My shock at hearing women and girls say they want to be white because white is synonomous with beautiful never lessens. Hearing women and girls talk about whitening crème (many types which include mercury) breaks my heart. What have we done to the world? How have we so distorted people’s concepts of beauty?
All day I hear “magandang ko,” or “you are beautiful.” From my students, my co-teachers, my family, people on the street, the little boys fighting spiders…everyone. The crazy part is I’m a rather plane jane kind of girl, and even if there was a time when I was “beautiful” (whatever it means) it would not be now as I’m sweating ten gallons of water a day with bug bitten appendages and knotted hair. Yet, they still see the mess that I am as more beautiful than them just because im white.
Every time my response is “you are beautiful.” Today my students said, “mam (pronounced mom) Kaitlin your blue eyes are sooooo beautiful. We wish we had blue eyes.” I responded, “Batik? You’re eyes are so beautiful.” One of the girls responded, “but all our eyes are black. That is not beautiful.” How many times will it take being told their black eyes, tan skin, and black hair is beautiful for them to believe it? How many billboards of white women need to be torn down for them to believe white isn’t the only beautiful color in the world? How many darker tv stars need to be introduced for them to have role models that look like them?
With a focus on beauty, actually the focus is on all physical appearances (for instance my students like to call each other ‘fat’ or ‘ugly’ and while I know that in the Philippines these comments are not considered mean or rude, just fact it still unsettles me), there is also a focus on relationships.
Despite the sad fact that many Filipino men (not all, just enough to make it common) have more than one family (it’s nearly impossible to get divorced in the Philippines which leads to a lot of cheating and a lot of domestic abuse), women in particular find is startling and almost taboo that I don’t have a boyfriend and that I don’t want to get married for many many years. Basically, how can this be? I’m possibly failing as a woman. The thoughts in my mind are “why would I want a husband if he is going to cheat, drink, and gamble all my money away on cock-fighting?” and “it’s too much trouble, what’s the rush?”
So, back to the day at the beach with Laural’s host family. One of the first questions asked when you meet someone is “do you have a boyfriend (or girlfriend if you’re a guy)?” When you respond “walang” it’s as if you announced the end of the world. So, I responded to their questions and they were quick to inform me I could easily get a Filipino guy because they love white girls and they would treat me well because I’m white. I said no, I don’t think that’s something I want, and they responded, “but don’t you want someone to tell you goodmorning and walk you to class and brush your hair? Ooohhhh the Filipino men love to brush white girls hair.”
While that might sound appealing it makes me sad for a number of reasons. 1) no, I don’t want someone to like me simply because they like my skin color 2) no, I don’t think any person should be shown off as a trophy 3) and most importantly, it makes me sad that these simple things: someone saying good morning or walking with you or brushing your hair are all things that these women seem to want so badly, implying they aren’t a part of their lives. It doesn’t take a lot to let someone know you appreciate them, yet it seems to be so rare in so many places for so many people.
I might as well continue to my third point now that I’m going.
A lot of the people who talk to me about men and husbands and stress at home and at work and health problems and money problems and every other problem are the female teachers during lunch periods. Filipinos have an amazing sense of humor, but somehow the laughing doesn’t make me feel any better about the subjects being discussed.
Anyways, beyond the stress of relationships there is a lot of stress in the school. Most of the teachers have said they don’t want to teach anymore. They are tired of it but they have no other options for jobs. Sometimes they say this in front of their students. They are clearly burnt out and it’s as if some have given up completely and they no longer have the energy to teach a lesson (this is true) so the students just sit and talk and run around and “work” on projects.
I don’t blame the teachers. The education system and the schools are incredibly frustrating and I have no idea how I’m going to teach. There are 60 plus students in a classroom and in some of the rooms it is literally impossible to hear the teacher speak due to outside noise. If students can’t hear then of course they aren’t going to participate. Beyond that the way the Filipino school system is set up is that for high school you are in a year (1,2,3, or 4) followed by a level (1 meaning you are the brightest and 6 meaning you are the slowest). These levels are determined by one’s English proficiency. So, say you are brilliant at math and science but can’t master English you will be in level 6 for every single class every single year, meaning you won’t ever be able to challenge your mind in math or science, the areas you could succeed. IF a student is told they are dumb from the beginning and they can’t do the things they are good at, what motivation do they have. Usually students in tehse tracks will never go to college because their parents don’t think it’s worth the money since they are “dumb.”
If a someone doesn’t go to college the kinds of jobs they can get are few and far in between. They usually involve some sort of manual labor. The problem is there are application fees for these jobs and the contracts run out between 3 and 6 months after signing a contact, which means you are constantly applying for new jobs and paying to apply for such jobs. The cycle of poverty is horrendous and overwhelming.
How am I supposed to take 60+ kids, who all have different learning styles, who have been told they are not worth the time or effort of being challenged, who are struggling with severe situations at home that obviously will play a greater role on that child’s thinking than my attempted lessons, and demonstrate to them that they are intelligent and they have something to offer the world and they should continue to try. Some of these students don’t yet know how to read and they are nearly graduated high school. What do you do with such a system, and so many lives that are daily affected by this system?
Finally, (I guess I actually have 4 rants/topics), something I really like about the Filipino schools is that they get tomorrow off to celebrate the end of Ramadan. This may not be such a startling thing if I were in Indonesia or another country with a high Muslim percentage, however the Philippines is nearly all Roman Catholic. There is a very small Muslim minority. I’ve heard about 3 or 4% . The fact that the schools take time off to celebrate this religious holiday is a testament to us in the U.S. about what it means to be accepting and open to diversity.
I don’t really get U.S. news and I never have enough internet to load news websites, but from what I’ve gathered through facebook is the U.S. is far behind the Philippines when it comes to this aspect of religious tolerance and respect. Qu’ran burning? Really? It makes me sad to think that people can do such things to other people. How have we lost our ability to see each other as human beings, as a part of ourselves?
Before I left I remember reading a statement by the head of the American Muslim Association (I think that’s the right name for the organization, I’m sorry I don’t actually know if it’s correct) and he was asking for understanding that the celebration around September 11th was not to celebrate the terrorist attack, but to celebrate one of the most Holy celebrations within Islam. The fact that an entire religion has to fear how it’s celebrations are going to be interpreted, and what reactions will ensue, is tragic. We have such a ways to go, and I can’t wait till we get there. I wish we could all learn from each other instead of constantly battling all ideas and beliefs we may not hold. I hope when we learn the value of other human beings it isn’t too late.
Much much peace and love from the Philippines, and happy September 10th no matter what you are doing on this day (but, I hope it’s something positive for a neighbor, a friend, or a stranger).
p.s. it’s 10:22. By far the latest I have stayed up since being here. I’m going to crash tomorrow. And it’s my first language exam. I should have been studying. Blast. Some things never change. I hope that isn’t true regarding religious understanding but I hope it is true in respect to the love so many share with the world around them.
