I have been back from the Philippines for five full months now. Time goes fast when you're not on island time. Since being back I've seen three seasons come and go. That's something I didn't see for two years. It's amazing how much the seasons contribute to your emotional concept of time and place.
Since leaving the Peace Corps I have been able to spend significant time with friends and family. You have no idea how significant a conversation is with someone who has seen all of you, someone who knows the best and worst parts of you, someone you can be honest with, someone you can trust completely, someone who knows your history and the reasons you are who you are today until you have lived a life that isn't your own. A life where you are constantly on guard of what you say, when you say something, and how you say it. A life where no one has any idea, and where most people have no desire to know, why you are the way you are. What events formed you, hardened you and softened you. A life where you can't express your true beliefs or defend what you are passionate about. A life where you can tell people about your history, but when you do you are considered a liar because you aren't describing the latest episode of The Kardashians, Gossip Girl, or America's Next Top Model.
Since being back I have rediscovered the significance of affirmation and physical contact. For two years the only physical contact I had with anyone, other than my dog who I could hold and pet, was negative. If someone wasn't lifting up my shirt to grab my fat in front of all the teachers in the canteen or grabbing me as I was trying to find a trike, I didn't have physical contact with anyone. Maybe a high five or two, but no hugs or hand holding. My students were amazing when it came to affirmation. They were amazing when it came to anything and everything. I dearly miss each of them, each for their own reasons. And, there were a few people I worked with who were encouraging and supportive, but contestant criticism from most of the adults I was surrounded by wore me down. It wasn't only criticism. There were times when I was yelled at quite aggressively in front of other staff and students. There were meetings held without me to complain about the projects I was doing with and for the students. There were rumors started and conflicts started without my knowing. You come to realize that if you hear something enough you start to believe it regardless of how true it is. Whether or not it is actual truth it becomes truth in your mind and truth in the minds of the people around you. I've found that I get slightly upset when people now compliment me in any capacity because i "know" that those things aren't true and it frustrates me when people say things for the sake of saying them instead of saying truth. This is something a few of you have had to patiently work through with me (shout out to Rebekah). All this to say, it feels amazing to feel the warmth of another person picking you up from the airport or giving you a hug on his/her way to work or even to be adoringly pinched on the face and slammed into the wall (another shout out to Rebekah).
A significant thing I have come to slowly accept and know, is that men are good. I don't think I have ever hid the fact that I'm slightly sexist. I know it's not good. I'm not trying to justify it. But, over the last ten years I have had numerous negative experiences with men. Some of you have had to hear and rehear these stories more than you wanted as I try to process them and accept them and allow myself to heal from them. The Philippines didn't help my sexism. If anything it made it worse. Severely worse. Details are not important, and I know not all Pinoy men are bad. I even know the men I struggled with are not bad. But sometimes it's hard to match what we know with how we feel when you have no space. Now that I have space, now that I am separated from those moments, I can see that men are good. I have amazing men in my life in the states who I am very very grateful for. All of whom have helped me in different ways at different times, all who have faith in me, and all who show me goodness in their own ways. I have recently moved to Scotland for my masters. I am in a program that is predominantly male. I have met countless men over the last few weeks all from different countries and backgrounds, and each one has restored my faith in the world without knowing that's what they were doing.
SInce being back I have seen young people give up their seats on buses and trains for the elderly, seen strangers hold doors open for one another, I have watched countless people drop money in red buckets for the needy, I have had taxi drivers help me carry my suitcases rom the train station to a hotel instead of picking up passengers, I have had countless people offer me directions, I have talked to shoppers at the mall about their lost love ones during the holidays, I have seen people stop what they are doing to help someone carry something. I have seen compassion and consideration. All of these things have rejuvenated me and have restored me motivation.
By no means do I mean to criticize the Philippines or Anda. But, my two years in the Peace Corps definitely brought their struggles. To be sent off to an island that rarely sees a foreigner as a single, young, white, american girl includes a few challenges. To learn to work within a system you are morally opposed to for countless reasons takes time to adjust to. To adapt to a lifestyle that isn't your own, and one that has no privacy for you to make it your own, is exhausting. To forget who you are and what it is about the world that makes you passionate is frightening. To deal with the worst parts of yourself alone is frustrating. To see how weak you are and how much of the world you can't affect is disheartening. To watch terrible things happen to people you care about, and to hear students be told that they aren't capable of achieving what you know they are beyond capable of achieving, is angering. To hear and watch people deliberately hurt one another and refuse to support those who need help leaves you jaded and hopeless.
I am very grateful, especially to my host family and my students, for giving me so much life and love and joy while I was in Anda. I am so blessed that all of these people have allowed me into their lives and offered to share their lives with me. I will always be grateful for them, and love them, and appreciate them beyond comprehension. I will always hope for the best for my students and try to help them however I can. However, I am glad for all that I am learning about the world since leaving the Peace Corps. I'm glad that my vision is being restored and that I'm slowly rediscovering myself.
**This post didn't mention the amazing volunteers who kept me sane during my time in the Philippines, and continue to inspire me. That post is coming soon
Since leaving the Peace Corps I have been able to spend significant time with friends and family. You have no idea how significant a conversation is with someone who has seen all of you, someone who knows the best and worst parts of you, someone you can be honest with, someone you can trust completely, someone who knows your history and the reasons you are who you are today until you have lived a life that isn't your own. A life where you are constantly on guard of what you say, when you say something, and how you say it. A life where no one has any idea, and where most people have no desire to know, why you are the way you are. What events formed you, hardened you and softened you. A life where you can't express your true beliefs or defend what you are passionate about. A life where you can tell people about your history, but when you do you are considered a liar because you aren't describing the latest episode of The Kardashians, Gossip Girl, or America's Next Top Model.
Since being back I have rediscovered the significance of affirmation and physical contact. For two years the only physical contact I had with anyone, other than my dog who I could hold and pet, was negative. If someone wasn't lifting up my shirt to grab my fat in front of all the teachers in the canteen or grabbing me as I was trying to find a trike, I didn't have physical contact with anyone. Maybe a high five or two, but no hugs or hand holding. My students were amazing when it came to affirmation. They were amazing when it came to anything and everything. I dearly miss each of them, each for their own reasons. And, there were a few people I worked with who were encouraging and supportive, but contestant criticism from most of the adults I was surrounded by wore me down. It wasn't only criticism. There were times when I was yelled at quite aggressively in front of other staff and students. There were meetings held without me to complain about the projects I was doing with and for the students. There were rumors started and conflicts started without my knowing. You come to realize that if you hear something enough you start to believe it regardless of how true it is. Whether or not it is actual truth it becomes truth in your mind and truth in the minds of the people around you. I've found that I get slightly upset when people now compliment me in any capacity because i "know" that those things aren't true and it frustrates me when people say things for the sake of saying them instead of saying truth. This is something a few of you have had to patiently work through with me (shout out to Rebekah). All this to say, it feels amazing to feel the warmth of another person picking you up from the airport or giving you a hug on his/her way to work or even to be adoringly pinched on the face and slammed into the wall (another shout out to Rebekah).
A significant thing I have come to slowly accept and know, is that men are good. I don't think I have ever hid the fact that I'm slightly sexist. I know it's not good. I'm not trying to justify it. But, over the last ten years I have had numerous negative experiences with men. Some of you have had to hear and rehear these stories more than you wanted as I try to process them and accept them and allow myself to heal from them. The Philippines didn't help my sexism. If anything it made it worse. Severely worse. Details are not important, and I know not all Pinoy men are bad. I even know the men I struggled with are not bad. But sometimes it's hard to match what we know with how we feel when you have no space. Now that I have space, now that I am separated from those moments, I can see that men are good. I have amazing men in my life in the states who I am very very grateful for. All of whom have helped me in different ways at different times, all who have faith in me, and all who show me goodness in their own ways. I have recently moved to Scotland for my masters. I am in a program that is predominantly male. I have met countless men over the last few weeks all from different countries and backgrounds, and each one has restored my faith in the world without knowing that's what they were doing.
SInce being back I have seen young people give up their seats on buses and trains for the elderly, seen strangers hold doors open for one another, I have watched countless people drop money in red buckets for the needy, I have had taxi drivers help me carry my suitcases rom the train station to a hotel instead of picking up passengers, I have had countless people offer me directions, I have talked to shoppers at the mall about their lost love ones during the holidays, I have seen people stop what they are doing to help someone carry something. I have seen compassion and consideration. All of these things have rejuvenated me and have restored me motivation.
By no means do I mean to criticize the Philippines or Anda. But, my two years in the Peace Corps definitely brought their struggles. To be sent off to an island that rarely sees a foreigner as a single, young, white, american girl includes a few challenges. To learn to work within a system you are morally opposed to for countless reasons takes time to adjust to. To adapt to a lifestyle that isn't your own, and one that has no privacy for you to make it your own, is exhausting. To forget who you are and what it is about the world that makes you passionate is frightening. To deal with the worst parts of yourself alone is frustrating. To see how weak you are and how much of the world you can't affect is disheartening. To watch terrible things happen to people you care about, and to hear students be told that they aren't capable of achieving what you know they are beyond capable of achieving, is angering. To hear and watch people deliberately hurt one another and refuse to support those who need help leaves you jaded and hopeless.
I am very grateful, especially to my host family and my students, for giving me so much life and love and joy while I was in Anda. I am so blessed that all of these people have allowed me into their lives and offered to share their lives with me. I will always be grateful for them, and love them, and appreciate them beyond comprehension. I will always hope for the best for my students and try to help them however I can. However, I am glad for all that I am learning about the world since leaving the Peace Corps. I'm glad that my vision is being restored and that I'm slowly rediscovering myself.
**This post didn't mention the amazing volunteers who kept me sane during my time in the Philippines, and continue to inspire me. That post is coming soon
Beautiful post McGarvey. I love you. And I am so glad you have gotten the space you needed and are finding your way again. I am also proud of you for your men are good rediscovery.
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